The Enlightenment Show Interview With Vanessa Savage

Welcome to The Enlightenment Show, Vanessa! I’m so excited to have you joining us. Congratulations on your book, THE NIGHT THEY VANISHED, that just released! It’s a thrilling and shocking ride.

 

•            Can you give the readers a brief synopsis of what THE NIGHT THEY VANISHED is about?

                    Hanna has a good life. Estranged from her family, she’s moved on from a troubled past to a life where she has a good job and is surrounded by loyal friends. Adam is a web developer. As a sideline, he’s built The Dark Tourist, a website that explores sites of notorious crimes in the UK. One day, a new house is listed on the website. It tells the story of a terrible crime – a family murdered; the killer never found. The date of the crime is today. The family is Hanna’s. When she rushes home, the house is abandoned and her family has vanished. Adam is insistent that his site was hacked, that he never put the house on there. Hanna and Adam have never met before now, but there’s a dark connection that links the two of them, and in a race against time to save Hanna’s family, they have to find that connection before it’s too late…

•          What was one thing that surprised you about your main character, Hanna?

                   It’s a very small thing, but I was surprised when I wrote her first scenes, to find she doesn’t drink alcohol. It wasn’t something I planned; it was just something I knew as I started writing. It was a clear marker of her determination to overcome the mistakes of her past.

•         Hanna has quite a past of trauma and family dysfunction. Where did you draw from to write the emotional scenes tied to her pain and fear?

                  I think this is where the ‘write what you know’ advice comes from. I haven’t experienced the trauma and dysfunction that Hanna has, but like everyone, I’ve experienced fear and grief, pain and insecurity. I understand the emotions although my life experiences are quite different and I’m able to draw on my own emotions when writing from Hanna’s point of view.

•       What inspired you to dive into creating THE NIGHT THEY VANISHED?

                My first novel, The Woman in the Dark, focuses on a family who move into a notorious ‘murder house’, and have to deal with the curiosity of strangers as they attempt to make a place of tragedy into a home. As part of my research for that novel, I became fascinated by the idea of dark tourism and it sparked a ‘what if’ question that wouldn’t go away until I began writing The Night They Vanished - what if you found your family home listed as the site of a terrible murder on a true crime website? And then you can’t get hold of your family, they’ve vanished into the night… What really happened the night they vanished? Where is the family? Who listed the house on the website? And why?

 

•       Have you had something vanish in your life that left you asking questions? What happened?

               Many years ago, we had a pretty cat who liked to wander. She wore a collar and was very sociable. She disappeared for about three days once and came home looking very well-fed and wearing a completely different collar. We bought her another collar and a few weeks later, the same thing happened. And then it happened again. Over the next few months, we got through a lot of collars and each time, she’d come home from one of her wanderings wearing a different one. Eventually, she vanished completely and despite us putting up posters and searching and asking neighbours, she never came home. I don’t think anything happened to her – I believe she chose her second home over ours. Perhaps they moved away and took her with them. Perhaps she just preferred the food they gave her!

•    What are three character traits that you like about Hanna? Why?

              I like her strength and determination – she went off the rails as a teenager and has really turned her life around since. She fought her demons and won and is determined not to let herself be dragged down again. I also like her sass and bolshiness! I’m far more reserved and shy away from confrontation, so I admire her confidence!

•    I love how you mention that you realized that you wanted your characters to kill each other, not kiss each other 😊 What do you love about writing thrillers and mysteries that keeps you coming back for more?

            I started out writing women’s fiction, character driven fiction that was all about the lead up to the happy-ever-after. But the more I wrote, the more I became fascinated by the darker side of my characters. Relationships – whether romantic or familial – are at the heart of my writing and for me, a psychological thriller is the flip side of a romance novel; it’s what happens after the happy-ever-after moment, how a relationship breaks down, how a friendship can spiral into paranoia and obsession… that’s what fascinates me as a writer. In real life, I’d much prefer the happy-ever-after.

 

 

                                                INNER CHILD SEGMENT

•      What is your favorite tea? How do you like to make it?

               I drink a lot of coffee in the mornings, but in the evening, I prefer a cup of green tea, made simply with boiling water and teabag in a favourite mug!

•     What’s something mysterious and suspenseful that excites you, and that most wouldn’t know about you?

              In common with many crime writers, I like to think I’m a very nice person in real life, who has never committed a crime and does not live a dark and tortured life! I’ve had many people who know me in real life express surprise at some of the dark turns my fiction takes…

•   What are a few things that you love about living by the sea in South Wales?

            Living by the sea in the summer months is wonderful – ice cream at the beach, sunbathing on the sand, the buzz, the excitement… but mostly, I love living by the sea out of season. The beaches are quieter but just as beautiful. I can walk the coastal paths with my dog for hours without meeting another person and it’s like my own private paradise. But, there can also be something eerie about a seaside town in winter, and the lonely, windswept beaches, with the mist creeping in from the sea have inspired the fictional settings for all of my books…

•   What’s the oddest food combo that you’ve liked and tried, or just tried?

            One Christmas, a friend persuaded me to try a slice of fruitcake with a chunk of blue cheese on top. I’m not sure it’s an experience I’ll repeat!

•  What advice can you share with our readers about living a joyful life?

          Appreciate the little things that make every day joyful. I think living through a global pandemic taught many people this – to take the opportunity to reconnect with family and enjoy the smaller moments. Don’t spend too much time regretting mistakes you’ve made – learn and move on. Don’t spend your life constantly looking forward to the big things, or wishing you had more money, were more successful or more anything – appreciate what you have.

•    Where can the readers connect with you? Where can they find your book?
•    Twitter as @VvSavage, 
•    Facebook as @VanessaSavageWriter
•    Instagram as vanessasavageauthor
•    My book is available from https://www.grandcentralpublishing.com/titles/vanessa-savage/the-night-they-vanished/9781538708231/ utm_source=Newsletter&utm_medium=MailChimp&utm_campaign=Night_They_Vanished&utm_content=GCPMysteryThriller_April_2022&mc_cid=a4b5fa2a9e&mc_eid=7372548d8b
•   Amazon https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/153870823X?tag=hacboogrosit-20
•   Barnes & Noble, https://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/the-night-they-vanished-vanessa-savage/1140136990?ean=9781538708231&st=AFF&2sid=Hachette%20Book%20Group_8040641_NA&sourceId=AFFHachette%20Book%20Group
•   Books-a-million, https://www.booksamillion.com/p/9781538708231?AID=11552245&PID=8040641&cjevent=2f76a39ec61911ec803c01ac0a180514&cjdata=MXxZfDB8WXww
•   Indiebound, https://www.indiebound.org/book/9781538708231
•   Bookshop.org https://bookshop.org/books/the-night-they-vanished/9781538708231
•  Hudson Booksellers https://www.hudsonbooksellers.com/book/9781538708231/aff/HBGUSA
•  Powell’s,  https://www.powells.com/book/-9781538708231
•  Target,  https://www.target.com/s?searchTerm=9781538708231
•  Walmart https://www.walmart.com/search/search-ng.do?q=9781538708231

       Thank you so much for being with us, Vanessa. Congratulations again on the release of THE NIGHT THEY VANISHED!! It’s been an absolute pleasure getting to know you.

 

 

 

 

The Enlightenment Show Interview With Laura Jarratt

Welcome to The Enlightenment Show, Laura! I’m so excited to have you joining us. Your book, Two Little Girls, was an emotional, character-driven book that held me from the beginning. I couldn’t put it down!

                    ·       Can you give the readers a brief synopsis of what Two Little Girls is about?

                         Lizzie is a professional working mother in a marriage that’s beginning to feel the strain of work commitments. On the way home from a holiday with her daughters, she crashes the car into a lake and has to make a terrible decision when she can only get one daughter out of the car. The rest of the book deals with the consequences of her choice until events take a more sinister twist. And I’m in spoiler territory there so I’ll have to stop.

                  ·       Where did the idea for Two Little Girls spring from? Where were you when the first idea came in?

                         I was on a coffee break in the office kitchen at work. At that time, I was the Principal at a school for children with special needs. One of the office staff was telling us about a recurring dream she had about crashing her car into a lake and knowing she could only get one of her two girls out – and then she always woke up. It’s a classic expression of maternal anxiety and we all had some form of dream-like that so everyone was super-sympathetic, except me. I just stood there, frozen, and exclaimed ‘That’s such a great start to a book!’ It’s a good job she knew me well by that point and they all laughed. And the rest of the book came from that opening scene.

                ·       Your main character Lizzie Fulton makes a choice that haunts her throughout the book. What’s a choice that you’ve made that’s haunted you at some point in your life?

                     My mother and I were very close. She suffered from ill health for years but towards the end of her life, she deteriorated quite quickly and her kidneys began to fail. She had vascular dementia and so dialysis wasn’t appropriate as her dementia was accelerating too. In her last few days, she became really unwell and couldn’t stay in her own home with visiting care staff so I made the decision to ask for her to go into a nursing home in the village. I had to really battle to get this as they wanted to send her to a cheaper one miles away, where me and my daughter (who was three at the time) would have struggled to visit daily. My other option was to have her at home in our sitting room but we had no downstairs bathroom and also I was working full time and couldn’t afford to take extended leave. The nursing staff said she wasn’t close enough to the end of life for a hospice, although our family doctor said she wouldn’t have long. I finally got her into the nursing home in the village and we visited every day but she died less than a week later in her sleep. If I’d known she had so little time left, I would have brought her home with me. I still wish I had.

            ·       I love how you brought in the reality of how a traumatic experience causes PTSD. Have you personally gone through that? What kind of research did you do to make this aspect so relatable to connect to the readers?

                  I hadn’t experienced it myself at the time, although last year I was in a serious car crash and I did have some issues for a while after that and I got treated with EMDR because I recognized what I was experiencing. My husband was in the Army and I used to teach a Public Services preparation course so PTSD is something I was relatively familiar with when I was writing this book. I was Principal at a school with a number of children who had suffered early childhood trauma so I had read a lot about it as well as having direct professional experience. There’s one example I always quote about PTSD. I was watching a documentary on the conflict in Afghanistan to show to my class and there was a helicopter pilot talking about his PTSD. He said he’d flown 35 Med-Evac flights in close succession, bringing out casualties under heavy fire. He’d never had a problem until flight no. 36, but that one broke him. There was nothing different about it. It was just one flight too many in too short a space of time. That’s the thing with PTSD and what I wanted to convey – it can happen to anyone. Nobody is immune. In fact, PTSD can be defined as a natural response to an unnatural set of events.

 

               ·       What was one thing that surprised you about writing this story?

                    Dan, Lizzie’s husband, surprised me as a character. I thought he’d be far less sympathetic than he is after she makes her choice but he simply refused to be as judgmental as I believed he would be when I actually came to write the story. He took the first part of the book down a quite different track to my vague idea of where it would go.

              ·       What are some of your current fears that you’d like to examine and explore?

I’ve been doing that a little in my next book, where two of my characters are facing the impact of menopause and old age. It’s an uncomfortable place to be when you realize you’re past the halfway mark of life. While I think there’s so much about women’s lives post-menopause that is great and should be celebrated, there are moments when my breath catches at the thought that one day I won’t be here anymore. My daughter is still under ten so I think it hits me harder because of that. I want to be around as long as possible for her. I was 44 when my mother died and it was too soon – it’s always too soon when you’ve had that close mother/daughter relationship.

              ·       What’s one thing you loved about your two main characters, Lizzie and Dan?

                    I love how their roots are so entwined with each other that despite everything, how they’ve drifted, how damaged they are by their daughter’s death, and the fallout from that, they find their way back to each other. All marriages go through rough patches but some couples keep finding their way back to each other through the hard times. There’s tremendous hope in that and I love it.

 

                                                   INNER CHILD SEGMENT

·       As a teenager, what was your favorite thing to do? Eat? Wear?

                   I was quite a moody teen. Very hormonal! I liked hanging out in my bedroom in the dark listening to music as a younger teen. But in my late teens, I blossomed into a much more feisty and outgoing character. I was shy as a child but that vanished. I was into the alternative music scene so was usually found in second-hand combat boots, stripey tights, and cut-off shorts with my hair in cotton hair wraps with beads or twisted up into two matching top knots. My favorite meal would have been, as it still is, a Sunday roast with the family. And I’ve just remembered, I used to collect quotes as a teenager! I had diaries full of them. I’ve always loved words. I’ve still got those diaries in a box somewhere. I might need to dig them out and read them again.

              ·       What’s something mysterious and suspenseful that excites you, and that most wouldn’t know about you?

                     I’m laughing as I write this because I’m absolutely the worst person around mystery and suspense. I always cheat and look at the back of the book because I can’t wait to find out. I’m much happier with predictability and I like being comfortable, physically and emotionally. That doesn’t reflect my writing in any way, except I do like endings with some positivity to them.

I am scared of werewolves though if that counts, and that’s something most people don’t know about me. Yes, logically I know they don’t exist and it’s utter nonsense but put me in a strange rural location at night with odd noises and I’ll remember every werewolf film I’ve ever seen and frighten myself silly. We were once staying in a gite in France and I made my husband get up at 2am to close the skylights because I’d convinced myself a werewolf could get in when I woke in the night to a strange noise. My mother used to say I have a very vivid imagination, but I guess that goes with the territory of being a writer. My husband is the exact opposite and he just rolls his eyes and laughs.

            ·       If you could take a theatre workshop for any play, what would it be and why?

                  I absolutely love theatre and I used to go all the time before my daughter was born. I’m hoping she’ll come with me when she’s older. She’s just starting to show signs she might love it too. I’ve got no interest in acting myself though, so I think I’d have to be a director or do lighting and take a workshop around that. And I adore Shakespeare so it would have to be Twelfth Night because it’s my favorite. The use of language in that play is just so clever.

           ·       What’s the oddest food combo that you’ve liked and tried, or just tried?

     Mint sauce on toast. I used to love it as a kid. I invented it as a combo. I haven’t had it for years but I might just try it again now.

          ·       What advice can you share with our readers about living a joyful life?

           I can find a quote or a story for most things and this is no exception. ‘If you choose not to find joy in the snow, you will have less joy in your life but still the same amount of snow.’And one that I think of when the fear of aging edges into my mind is ‘Do not regret growing old. It is a privilege denied to many.’ It re-grounds me. Fighting aging is a battle we will lose. The secret is to embrace it and find joy in it. Some cultures are much better at this than Western society and we can learn from them.

   ·       Where can the readers connect with you? Where can they find your book? 

               My book is available in all the usual locations and you can find me on Twitter. I don’t tweet a lot but I’m always happy to connect with readers. I generally dislike social media now. Not in principle – it’s a great idea, but too many people behave badly in that environment. It would be better called Antisocial Media. Working with teens, I’ve seen how unhealthy it can be and how it promotes insecurity. I’ve got acquaintances who try to pitch this perfect image of their life on Instagram when their reality is nothing like that and I wonder why they feel the need to pretend, and why people use filters. I just don’t get it personally. Love who you are and what is real – it’s a choice we can all make.

                       ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

            Thank you so much for being with us, Laura. Congratulations on the release of Two Little Girls!! It’s been an absolute pleasure getting to know you.

 

The Enlightenment Show Interview With Abigail Everingham

Welcome to The Enlightenment Show, Abigail!! I’m so excited to have you joining us. I’ve had the privilege of tasting your delicious homemade goodies, which are mouthwatering and simply delightful.

• Tell us about your business Sprinkles and Sweets? What kinds of things do you create?

          Thank you! I’m pretty excited to be here! I use to do a whole range of things, but then I hit overwhelm. Right now, I’ve simplified what I make, but expanded my creative energy into that. For example, I make cakes. Wedding and Birthday cakes. But, my favorite is when I get an order for an intuitive cake. This leaves me a lot of room for what kind of cakes I get to make. I also have chocolate chunk cookies, sugar cookies, and cupcakes on my menu. At Christmas time I make gingerbread houses and those are by far my favorite. 

•    What first inspired you to begin teaching cooking classes?

            I have always included my kids in the kitchen. They had so much fun being able to learn and create. I realized that knowing how to use a kitchen is becoming more and more a lost art. I wanted to include other kids in my kitchen and let them have to freedom to learn and explore. 

• What do you love about being in the kitchen?

          I have always loved being in the kitchen. I love seeing the different ingredients come together to create something new. I love how repetitive and calming some of the movements can be like mixing by hand, rolling out dough, and the feeling of flour on my hands. It brings joy to me! I also love feeling each and every cake creation flow through me as I bring it to life. 

•  What baked goods are purchased most often with Sprinkles and Sweets?

          Everything on my menu pretty much ties with each other as far as what gets ordered most. However, there has been a lot of interest in my intuitive cakes. I started making them officially last year. An intuitive cake is almost like an energy session but in cake form. I get a few details from the person, check in with their energy, and let the cake create itself. More often than not, the qualities of this person will come through, and sometimes I even get messages for them. These are my favorite cakes to make. 

•  How has teaching given you confidence and purpose within yourself?

           Teaching kids that it's okay to make messes and explore in the kitchen opened up so much permission for me to do the same. Not just in the kitchen, but in all areas of my life as well. This is really what I want them to know. It’s ok to be you. Creation can get messy. Sometimes things don’t go to plan. And none of that determines your value. You already have it. You were born with it. 

• What recipe fail did you learn from? How did you create it differently the next time?

          My worst fail in the kitchen actually came when I tried to make Orange Chicken from scratch. It did not go well. There was SO much orange in it that it made me and my husband sick. To this day, I can't eat Orange Chicken. This was also the day that my husband and I agreed that if there was ever a dinner fail from trying a new recipe, we could order pizza!

•  I know you love food books. What’s a favorite book that you come back to often?

           I don’t really have a favorite. I think I have always noticed food in any books I read. One that comes to mind as an early favorite is Anne of Green Gables. There is actually a lot of good food in those books. There is also a lot of food fails that are imprinted on my younger self. Such as the mishap with the raspberry cordial/currant wine and the mouse that drowned in the sauce!

                                              INNER CHILD SEGMENT

•    What embellishment do you like to add to your treats the most?

             Sprinkles always make everything look better! From fancy to fun, they always add a bit of sparkle. Like glitter, except, you can eat it!

•    It’s pie day, which pie are you going to make first?

            Pies are one of my favorites! There are so many flavors and ways to decorate them. My favorite to make is apple, especially when I have time to make the filling from scratch, too. But my favorite to eat is pumpkin pie added with almost as much whip cream as pie. 

•  What scents in the kitchen bring you joy?

           I really love my spices. Cinnamon and cloves especially. I associate them with fall, which is my favorite season, and Christmas which is my favorite baking season.  

•  What’s the oddest food combo that you’ve liked and tried, or just tried?

           I’m not sure this is odd, but I really love sweet basil on a vanilla cupcake, that's topped with raspberry frosting. It's really amazing! 

•  What advice can you share with our guests about living a joyful life?

           Get to know yourself. What do you like? Do more of that. What do you not like? Don’t live there quite as much. I have SO many things that make me happy, stupid little things. Magnificently stupid little things that make my world go round. Find little things, even if they are stupid, that light you up each time you experience them. Those are the things that really matter. 

           Thank you so much for being with us, Abigail. It’s always a pleasure connecting and learning more about you! Where can they go to get to know more about you and your delicious baked treats?!

           You can visit me at Sprinkles and Sweets on Facebook!!

 

 

The Enlightenment Show Interview with Caitlin Hamilton Summie

Welcome to The Enlightenment Show, Caitlin!! Congratulations on your new book, Geographies of the Heart. Your book is so powerful speaking to family, connection, and home. I loved it!

• What is Geographies of the Heart about?

Thank you so much, Lauri! I am touched to know that you loved my book!

                 GEOGRAPHIES OF THE HEART is about Sarah Macmillan. Sarah is devoted to her multi-generational family, but her younger sister, Glennie, is dedicated to her career. As they age and face loss and other challenges, they’re force to confront their differing priorities, sometimes with Sarah’s husband, Al, serving as mediator. This is a novel about the power of legacies, the importance of forgiveness, and the fertile but fragile ground that is family, the first geography to shape our hearts

•       What first inspired you to explore this story idea?

               I don’t remember exactly because it took me decades to write this novel, but usually I hear a line or a voice and write from there. I don’t outline; I write to find the story. It is one reason my books take so long to write! 

•  Tell us a few character traits that you love most about your three main characters Sarah, Al, and Glennie?

                  I love how honest they all are. They are not perfect people, but they dig deep to be honest and from that honesty, they hope for reconciliation. I like that they are giving people, each in their own way, and that they never give up. They aim for the hope life can offer, even Glennie.

•  What’s something your grandma gave to you, that you’ve held on to and that’s been endearing for you?

                My sense of the importance of history. She taught me to see people as the individuals they are, not simply as people in relation to others. She was more than my Grandma, for instance. She had a name, and dreams, and opinions. She and my grandpa also shaped my view of family and home.

•  What family rituals do you have that have been passed down from generation to generation?

              You know, the novel speaks a lot to what is passed down, but I’m struggling to answer this question because in my own family, we had a cartoonist we all loved and whose books we loved; we listened to certain music on Christmas. But unlike the family in the novel, I don’t think of specific heirlooms or traditions shaping my family, just that we are close, and we have so many happy memories and funny stories.

•     What Geographies of the Heart do you personally hold?

              Be kind, work hard, do your best, let things go, forgive, love without conditions.

                                           INNER CHILD SEGMENT

•       What’s your favorite way to communicate?

                  I supposed talking face to face is the way I prefer to communicate.

•            What things fill you with wonder?

                Flowers, nature, animals, unexpected kindness.

•         What are some of your favorite childhood memories?

              Traveling in Europe with my family when I was 11 and 12. Family dinners. My Grandpa putting the Christmas bows on his head when he unwrapped his presents. So many memories.

•  4.     What’s the oddest food combo that you’ve liked and tried, or just tried?

Blueberries, whipped cream, and goldfish—a recipe from my daughter!

         Thank you for joining us today, Caitlin. It’s been a pleasure reading your beautiful book and getting to know more about you!

Website: https://caitlinhamiltonsummie.com

Twitter: https://twitter.com/csummie

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/chsummie

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/csummie

 

My Distant Star

 My distant star,                                                           

I held my belly today and forgot for a while that my womb was empty. I planned to practice the piano and get my singing voice back so that I could sing you lullaby’s, to help you sleep. My deodorant smelled like baby powder, and I instantly thought about all those bath times that I would no longer get with you. The splashing in the tub, the messes, and also soaking my nose into the smell of you. 

A baby. 

A beautiful new baby. 

Everything I look at feels different now. The joy I felt, the hope, the plans, the excitement of having you in my arms and you wrapping your little finger around mine feels like a passing afterthought. One moment, we were together in hopes for the future, and it so quickly vanished. I had plans to go to the zoo with you. I started thinking up names for who you’d be, and every time I saw an owl, I thought about your nursery. In a few weeks, we were supposed to see you on the ultrasound. I even put a giant heart on my calendar not to mistake it for any other day. 

Your daddy would kiss my belly every day and whisper his sweet hello’s to you. Your siblings dreamed of who would hold you after school first. You were so loved in such a short time. I’ve been still playing the piano every day, and I think of you and how you would’ve sat in your baby chair next to me. It’s an empty space, but I’m still making that promise to you. I will get my singing voice back and play lullabies, and every time I do, I’ll think of you, and for the time we had together. I’ve been playing “Winter Song” by Sara Bareilles, and two lines say what I feel deeply right now. “They say we’re buried far, just like a distant star I simply cannot hold. Cause you’re not where you belong, inside my arms.”

Mommy loves you, my distant star.

Storm Song

Storm Song

By: Lauri Schoenfeld

The tree branches sway and dance to the rhythm and motion of the wind,

whipping them into a “cha-cha” dance.

The leaves bounce to a beat, back and forth, one-two-three, 

moving to the fast-paced gust of vibrant energy they feel.

The music changes and glides gently, oh so softly, 

to a whispering melody.

It’s a light tempo like a ballet or classical song, 

a metronome holding five beats and slowly sliding to the other side.

The tree branches speak for a moment, calm and relaxing.

Then, the rush of drums and a fierce pace lead to the marching of a twisted and battle-like song—each beat preparing for what’s to come.

“A storm is coming.”

Raindrops hit the gravel as the aspen tree covers you in the vibration of the wind and trees song.    

         

Small Victories

 

June 19th, 2021

 Yesterday, I had a voice. To some, that may sound like nothing, but to me, that was everything. It was a little more than my usual low whisper. The sound had more projection and also a higher chord than it has for the past few weeks. It was a moment for me like, “There you are. Welcome back.”

I got antsy and thought I would try to sing. That was absolutely off-limits until my next visit four weeks away. One try wouldn’t hurt. I stretched to sing, and the pain radiated like a thick string begging me to release its pull. Nothing came out like how I remembered my singing voice a few months ago. The strong, vibrato, jazzy soul beat of high alto energy didn’t come through. It was hoarse, and whisper squeaked as if I had never been a singer at all. It reminded me I still have healing and work to do and that this will be a process that can’t be rushed.

Today is a victory that there’s some volume, a bit more than yesterday. It’s a reminder that growth and healing don’t miraculously shift overnight. One step forward doesn’t mean I’ve won the entire marathon, and we’re done, with minimal time and effort. It means we’re moving, but I’m not near the end yet.

In life, we’re all moving one step at a time through a very real struggle in our lives. We see what our desired outcome is. We can taste it, feel it, and yet, it feels so very far away. In those moments, one step at a time feels like we’re never going to get there. Each step teaches us something that we can take on our journey if we decide to keep trying even when we don’t want to.

Some days that means crying. Some days that means pausing to catch our breath. Every day that means being kind to yourself and giving yourself love, patience, and grace to walk through that step in whatever way is needed to move to the next day. That will not look the same for any of us.

I listened to music today and closed my eyes. I listened to the singing and the words and every instrument, tempo, beat, and dramatic pause, and I felt gratitude for my ears that I could hear and feel what was coming through the speaker and into my heart. One day, I will sing again, and when I do, I will no longer worry about what people think of my voice. I won’t worry about messing up.  I will sing in praise that my voice has come back, and what a beautiful gift it is. For now, I’ll listen, feel, and enjoy the same songs I listen to often, but in a new way.

 

Rapids Rage at a Constant Pace

June, 7th 2021

 

I’m crying all the time like rapids raging and flowing at a constant pace as emotions release from the depth of my core. Feelings and experiences rooted at the center of it all, ones I thought I had healed and forgiven. Evil demons I thought were vanquished long ago have taken my soul, and I’m possessed by sorrow. I have no idea who I am anymore, and that’s left me with questions that have angered me and brought me such frustration. I'm crying, but I want to pretend that I’m okay. I want to feel strong and capable, yet I feel weak and uncertain.

My heart wants to share, but then it seems silly to unleash my rapids on someone else. I desperately try to reign them back away from the shore, but they’ve already landed, and I can’t undo the flood that just occurred. I desperately want to connect in a world of “What’s that” and “I can’t hear you” comments that I’ve heard far longer than just the past few months when I slowly lost my voice. These statements years ago were said to mock me for not having words to defend myself. Remarks were made to put me in my place, so their sins didn’t come forward, and they spoke for me as if I were a dumb mute who couldn’t convey my feelings. All of these demons are whispering in, “See, you’re not capable now. You’re weak and the last one standing. What do you have to offer now?” Control is being taken out from under me, and I feel inside like a banshee releasing her call of terror and fire, but no one can hear it. I don’t like this silence. 

I need support, yet I’m usually the support. I see how people look at me at times, the same way I look at myself in the mirror when I feel weak, and I can’t lean there because then I’ll drown. I want to say that I’ve got it together and that I’m singing the song of a confident and free eagle, yet I’m held here. I know I need to see it and feel it, to experience it all. I want to be okay and carry the wave protecting those around me, including myself, but it’s not my time to move the current or pretend that I’ve got it all together.

“Lean in.” The waves tell me.

It’s my time to mourn and be one with the waves. Floating, listening, and being, so my heart can bathe and communicate alongside the rapids. I’m crying, and tides rage at a constant pace.                                              

 

Presence is a Gift

May 31st, 2021

I've been feeling so frustrated for a few weeks because people can't understand me. Often, they get tired of trying to communicate or don't have time, so they leave or wave goodbye. That's left me feeling so many ups and downs, mostly downs because I literally can't speak. Not being understood and heard has been a real struggle for me, but I've had the opportunity to know how to communicate differently. I've had moments of not wanting to go out and attempt sign language because then, at least, I'm not an inconvenience to people. This has been weird. With my voice, I felt confident, sure of myself; I knew who I was and what I wanted to say. Without my voice, I've felt like I've lost myself, I've crept inside a cage peeking to see when it was okay to come out, and other times I lean in and ask for help. I've been unsure of myself and not entirely positive about how to be me without a voice. That's put a lot of perspective on many things. The biggest one has been finding and loving Lauri without my voice and realizing that I'm more than just a voice. And, where I thought I truly loved myself and had a pretty healthy space there, I recognize that there's some work to be done.

Dammit.

We're all continually learning and grow, and it never ends, nor should it, but I didn't realize how much having a voice has been my identity and self-worth. I didn't love seeing that. I want to feel that I'm more than enough right where I am. It's all the same with or without a voice. In truth, I've got some work to do to believe and see that from a completely different side. This has been a lifestyle change for my family and me. We're learning how to communicate in a way that takes more time and patience, which leaves us all feeling frustrated.

We went to a birthday party for a friend. It was a surprise party. I whisper talked, and to me, that's something, but to others, it's still a whisper and one they can't hear. Our friend had mentioned that I seemed subdued for being Lauri, and he was right. I think that was the first time in a few weeks that I realized that it's not only me who feels and sees this change in me. My voice and talking come with energy and a full-body explosion of joy, and without it, it's not just my voice I've lost; other pieces of myself have left, too. I miss me, and I long for those parts to come back. I'm also grateful for the new experiences that I'm seeing and feeling that I wouldn't truly understand without this experience. Little by little, I'm learning to express myself to people by my facial expressions and hand gestures. This is a new way of communicating, but one I'm leaning into. I took the kids to the library yesterday, and I did expressions with the few words in sign language that I consistently remember. The lady could understand me specifically by paying attention to my facial expressions and the way I signed. That felt great to realize that people can understand me if I place energy into my hands and face in the way I do with my voice.

The other day, I had to call and log in for my credit card because it wasn't working. I had my speaker on, and my mouth placed right at the speaker so that my whisper could carry further. The friendly guy that answered my customer service call had a rich Indian accent. There were moments I couldn't understand what he was saying and felt frustrated. As I whispered to ask what he said, he mentioned he couldn't hear me. I had the opportunity to process that he also probably felt some agitation not hearing me but wanted to help. I took a moment to process my perspective and also how this man might be feeling too. 

A customer service call that might've previously taken me five minutes took us twenty-five minutes as we continued to work together to try and communicate with one another. We wished each other a great day after the call, and I thanked him for his patience, and he thanked me for mine.

Patience is a gift that we give ourselves and others that opens doors to connection, expansion, and understanding. It provides space for people to feel seen, heard, and understood right where they are. Speaking and language is not the barrier. Lack of patience and presence is. I'm grateful that we both paused and regrouped to listen to each other. What I've seen and experienced on both sides is we often want to do things fast. The more we do, the more productive we feel. But, by rushing all the time, we miss the moments to connect with people on where they are. It's easier and faster to have conversations with people that speak our language because we don't have to take the extra time to stop and be present. To slow down and listen to the words, pause everything else to see body expressions and the expressive cues that people share even without words. In a world where we have phones and so much we're trying to do, we've lost touch with the importance of not only listening but seeing.

Presence is a gift.

Sitting with someone and giving them your undivided attention builds relationships and connections.

 

 

My Heart Twisted Just A Little

 

May, 19th 2021

I’m feeling a tad down today. I know that putting my deepest fears, sorrows, and heart on the paper has held me many times over, and I have some things to say. I’m in the space of loss, as my voice is a big part of who I am. But also, I feel gratitude for the fact that I’m alive and breathing. I’ve learned over many previous experiences that the healthiest way to move through things is to feel it and love and nurture myself through the pain. Pretending it’s not there and trying to put a band-aid over it will only haunt you, a ghost of yourself. The sorrow part is never too far behind, and it will catch up to you. No matter how many shields you put in front of it, it’s always there.

I also know that living in the darkness far too long will consume your personality, identity, and you’ll no longer recognize yourself. Finding what is working even in the most challenging moments, and doing something you love to do, keeps your identity and personality grounded, even through the hurt. So, today I felt it. I felt all the things that have twisted my heart just a little. I felt the comment from a loving friend that her brother is a singer, which would be his worst nightmare. “Yes,” I whispered. “Indeed, it is.”

 A few days ago, I sat at the piano, the notes speaking to my fingertips as I played some of my favorite songs. It comes naturally for me to want to sing with the notes. I opened my mouth, and the sound didn’t come like it once used to so freely. My heart twisted just a little, and I cried. The tears dripped down my face as my fingers, and the piano expressed together what my voice could not. I felt gratitude for the sound underneath my fingertips.

I canceled all my speaking engagements and events, and my heart twisted just a little as my calendar only held blank spaces and appointment dates. I felt sorrow for not chatting and sharing with all these amazing people, and frustration as speaking and hosting is something I love to do, but I felt gratitude that I found a doctor who’s leading me.

I attempted to order from the McDonalds menu for my kids. I tried three times, each time feeling more irritated that they couldn’t hear me. My kids will have to order soon. My heart twisted a little, but gratitude that they’re old enough to do that came in.

The number of times I’ve heard, “I can’t hear you, and why aren’t you talking to me. That’s rude,” has baffled me and opened my eyes, where a part of me doesn’t want to be around people so that I don’t come across as an inconvenience. The other part of me feels like there’s a huge lack of communication in our society. It’s all about sound and not about presence or facial expressions, as the phone takes up our time. My heart twists again, just a little bit.

I’ve appreciated my evenings with my dog even more, as we sit on the grass, side by side, and we stare at the trees, birds, and sky. He seems to understand me in stillness, and that’s been healing.

When the doctor mentioned to me, “I want you to know that this is not all in your head. We’ll figure it out,” I wept. I didn’t know how much I needed that validation until it was said. I’ve tried to pretend for a while that I’d wake up, and miraculously, my pain would go away, and the sound would come back.

I’ve never been more grateful for sign language, writing, whiteboards, and the piano—so many other beautiful ways to communicate. And, yet I miss my voice. It feels like an identity loss for me, and I mourn that. I remember as a kid being told I talked too much, but I’ve loved that part of myself. The nurse recently reminded me that we often use our voice box multiple hours a day, stretching it, and we often forget how much work it’s doing for us consistently. I’ve never really thought about that until now. I have a sports injury, and just like you need to take time to heal from fractures and broken bones, your voice needs that love and time too. I sit in silence in gratitude for what I have, and my heart is twisted just a little for what I’ve lost for right now. 

Soulful, Vibrato, and a Mix of Jazz

In fourth grade, my friend had a birthday. I sang "Happy Birthday" to her with soul, some vibrato, and a little bit of jazz! She looked at me with wide eyes. At first, I thought it was delight I saw until her mouth turned down, and she said, "You sound like Marilyn Monroe. It's weird."

Okay . . . pause. I sounded like Marilyn Monroe?!!

The only piece I caught from that conversation wasn't who I sounded like, but that it was weird. Therefore, I told myself that I was weird, and added more lies about how my voice sucked and that I should try to be more "normal." I continued telling myself that Marilyn Monroe is old, and I should be more up to date with my voice.

What does normal even mean?

There's not a soul on this planet that's not unique or quirky. We all have our individual things, and that's what makes us human. Those are the pieces I love learning about people. The colorful parts. The ones that add flavor, personality, and life.

I held this comment in a compartment in my brain, right next to the perfectionism compartment. Both held evidence of all the comments people told me over the years that gave proof that I was a terrible singer, and that I shouldn't ever do anything unless it was perfect. That way, I don't embarrass myself.

Those boxes have been closed for a while, and the thoughts have crept in. For the past few years, I've opened those filing compartments, and one and one have thrown them into the trash, as most weren't mine.

There have been multiple things that people have said to me. I read further into them than what happened, believing that what they said was my truth. I listened to the parts that didn't sound fun. I didn't take the time to hear the pieces or underlining hurt that they were feeling. The parts that had absolutely nothing to do with me at all.

Most comments people say have more to do with them, then about the person they're projecting it at. Don't let those statements define if you do or don't do the very thing that your heart years for. That beating of tempo to move forward is the magic that you radiate to others when you share it because they feel your joy, passion, and energy.

Today when I sing, I bring all the raspy, vibrato, and jazz to my voice.

It's me.

I'm an old soul mixed with a passionate free spirit.

I'm singing from my soul in truth, in heart, and love.

What I learned working at a bookstore

                                    

A few years ago, I worked at a bookstore. My first day was more than I’d imagined. As a kid, I dreamed of being surrounded by books. That felt like home to me. Decades later, I stepped inside the store, and in a sense, I came home. Turning in every direction to see stacks and rows of somewhat chaotic and neat aisles, gave me sheer excitement. Oh, the adventures I would have, in the center of many brilliant and creative minds.

Carefully placing these masterpieces on the shelf, seeing writer friends books on display, and sharing my favorites titles and authors with customers was the dream. I had thought about these things, and how it would be to work at a bookstore for months before I started my job.
 
My manager had told me stories about “regulars” who came in once a week, on a Monday. The same time everyday. I anticipated seeing this.

On the following Monday, I got to work, ready to greet this lovely couple into our store. They were an elderly couple. Visiting the bookstore came after paying bills, a trip to the post office, and grocery shopping. Once their errands were completed, they would have a few hours to visit. They took time buying a book for each other. This couple, put thought into their purchase and stayed for two hours, walking every aisle, laughing, giggling, and reading the first page of multiple books. It was the experience they enjoyed most, not something to rush through because they knew this new book would become a close friend. Holding hands, they walked to the register and proudly placed their items on the counter. They left with new treasures, a happy heart, and a promise to come back the following week.
 

Everyday, book lovers came in with a smile and left with an even bigger one. I got a giant hug from a woman who desperately wanted to find, Voyager by Diana Gabaldon, for her book club read. She’d been three places, and it had been sold out. We happened to have not only that one copy but the whole series. She squealed and thanked me repeatedly. An older gentleman called to ask me for every book I could find in hardcover of The Hardy Boys, starting at sixty-six on up.

When I told him I had sixty-seven in the store and could get him the rest, he laughed with such excitement. His inner child held fond memories of this collection. A lady in her mid-twenties, came in to discuss with me her passion for philosophy and the power of the mind. We had a very in-depth heart to heart conversation about religion, the world, and our views on mind-set. She left with ten books that day, all by different authors. A mother of three sat in the picture book section for an hour, reading page after page, with a smile, a tear, or a laugh out loud moment. She couldn’t pick just one, and with that bought twenty books.

So many lovely people talked to me about their favorite characters. They mentioned to me that they think about what that character would do when faced with a tough decision. I giggled and expressed how I did the same.
 
Writing.
 
Sharing stories.

It makes a difference.

Readers love the books they hold in their hands. They're valued treasures and friends. Most of the time, they become longtime friends.
 
No one is ever asking me for the same title. EVER.
 
Western American History.
 
Gritty Horror Fiction.
 
 A humorous picture book with a pig.
 
Vegan cookbooks
 
Mystery in space for a 8-10 boy.
 
How to build confidence books for young girls.
 
Some customers knew exactly what they wanted and needed. They knew their section and darted straight over to it. Others, went to experience the store. Many times I heard, “I didn’t plan enough time

today. I’m going to come back when I have more time to enjoy myself.” It’s not just a purchase when you’re buying a book; it’s an adventure. A time to escape and enjoy the moment of finding a new gem. I gained a whole new list of books to read that cherished customers recommended, and I gave them recommendations on books I adored and cherished. 

 

Readers are waiting for your stories. They ask for different genres and love all types of characters. Readers want characters they can relate to, that reach them to the very core. A world that takes them somewhere else and emotion that brings feelings out of them, that they didn’t even know were there. 

It is important.

Being a writer is an amazing thing to be.

 

If you forgot this, go to a bookstore and take time going up and down the aisles. Smell the books and touch the pages. Pick some off the shelf and hold them in your hands. Think about why you write. Think about the messages and thoughts that stir in you, that want to be heard. Sit on the floor, and be the reader. Allow yourself to feel, to escape, and to enjoy the journey with the character inside the book you’re holding.
 
Promise to come back and visit again. And go home. Sit at your computer, and write, but write for you.

-Lauri Schoenfeld-