I hate the hospital.
After past experiences of dying and being resuscitated, to having allergic reactions to medication that massively dropped my oxygen levels and heart rate, hospitals bring fear. A LOT.
For years, I emotionally, physically, and mentally had signs to look into some things going on with me, but I would ignore or pretend they weren't there. I'd tell myself that they would just go away. If I didn't pay attention to it, the thing bothering me would leave me alone. I didn't want to be a burden or a problem. I didn't want to ask for help because my faith and trust had been compromised many times. So, I continued to allow myself to believe that I could never turn things over to anyone again.
Faith has been an up and down rollercoaster for me. I believe. NO, I don't. I believe. It's all been tied to fear of the unknown and fear of uncertainty. Life is full of uncertainty. Therefore, my faith has wavered for a long time.
Trust.
Trust within self? No. Trust with others. Absolutely not. Trust within God? Not at all.
For the past few years, I've been working a lot on listening to what I need and responding. Placing trust and faith within myself that I know more than anyone what I need. For a month, I've been having massive headaches. Those aren't pleasant, but okay. I started telling myself they would get better and just go away. The following week, I had moments(episodes) where the room spun, and I could see the colors coming from my eyes, but my vision was blurred. I couldn't function when the episodes came on at random times. I had to stop, close my eyes, and wait it out. That meant sitting on the grocery store floor until it left fifteen minutes later, or pulling off to the side of the road until it ended and going home to keep me safe. When the pain intensified and I was having some trouble with speaking and processing my thoughts, I knew I needed to investigate.
My limiting beliefs of being a problem came in heavy and hard as I drove to the doctor. I even asked myself if it was necessary to go in. Maybe I need more sleep and water? But, I trusted in my ability to take care of me. I even thought to myself how if this happened to my child, I would've gone in immediately. I held my hand, and pep talked myself into going, being the mother to my own inner child at that moment.
I waited and waited.
I thought about leaving multiple times but didn't. I made friends with a little baby instead. A few hours later, I got in to see my doctor. The nurse gave me an eye test. For the first time EVER, I had read the eye chart perfectly!!
My doctor then came in and put her hand on mine.
"Why didn't you come in sooner?" she asked.
I lightly smiled. I mentioned that I thought it would go away. That I believed it was from the fact that I got up to fast, or that I needed food or sleep. But, when I realized it wasn't getting any better, I came in. She checked on a few things and mentioned my lymph nodes on the back of my head were swollen.
Okay! Easy enough. I asked a few questions and grabbed my purse ready to leave.
My doctor smiled at me. "There are too many red flags here for me."
"So, what does that mean?" I asked.
"This could be something like cluster headaches, vertigo, or some ear problems. Which this is probably that, but it could also be a blood clot, a tumor, or something of that serious nature. I wouldn't feel okay having you leave my office without you getting that checked out. Do you want an ambulance to take you to the ER, or can someone come and take you now? I'm calling it in."
I stood up. "I'll get someone to pick me up. I'll just go wait out in the waiting room."
"Nope. You're staying in here until your ride comes, and then you need to go directly to Altaview Hospital, to Emergency."
Remember how I said, I hate hospitals. Yeah. I was looking for an escape route at this point. The doctor left the room.
I paced.
I peeked out the door, thinking I could ask to use the restroom and make a run for it. I thought about how when Andy came to get me, I'd tell him I was fine. The doctor just didn't want me to drive because I was dizzy. But, I stayed and chose ME. Before I left, my doctor sent me happy vibes and told me multiple times that she believed in positive thinking and to stay in that space. I received all that she had given me, and I smiled at how zen and loving she was. If she were an animal, she'd be a Gazelle :) The power of positive thinking is something I believe in too.
As Andy and my oldest came to get me, the urge to apologize kept coming in. Anyone else a recovering over apologizer? It goes into the whole, limiting belief of being a problem. A lie. One that I've held for far too long. Instead, I said, "Thank you for coming to get me." And, that felt like a win. We left to grab our other two children from school and went right down to the hospital.
When we got there, they directed me right to a room. I sat in a bed, reminding myself that I needed to have faith and trust in the people surrounding me.
The nurses, technicians, doctors, my husband, and my kids.
I needed to show up for me right now so that I could show up for my family in a more healthy way. This has been the theme for me for the past few years. To get myself physically, mentally, and emotionally healthy, so I could be the best for them and me. Running on a low battery and self-sacrificing myself wasn't helping; it was doing the opposite. I was digging a deeper hole for myself to lay in.
The lab technician came in, and we joked about my beautiful vein. I have one the size of Thor's baby. It's big, and I've never had any problems with getting blood drawn. I sometimes think that's God's humor of knowing that I'd need to have blood drawn a lot throughout my life. Juicy vein for you!
A while later, it was time for the CAT scan. I felt nervous as small confined areas are not my favorite thing, but I closed my eyes and took a few deep breaths. Meditation has been healing for me the past year. I guided myself through it and placed trust that I would be safe. I also imagined that the sounds were just a space shuttle, and I was being transported to the moon. Beam me up, Scottie!
Once back in my room, meds came in, and this was where I was the most afraid. I don't have good reactions, and that's where all my rough experiences with dying and such, has happened. I went over the meds I could NOT have.
Morphine, Codeine, Lortab.
I felt that I got louder saying each one, but maybe that was the fear ringing in my ear.
"What do these do to you?" she asked.
"Went into respiratory arrest with Morphine."
"Oh. Wow. Okay. I will take care of you."
I didn't say anything.
At that moment, those words of trust and faith were hard to swallow. I didn't even know her. Again, I took a deep breath and said, "Okay. Thank you."
When she came back with the meds, she placed the saline bag up, and it leaked on me just a little. She apologized. I joked about that being far from the worst thing that's gotten on me. We laughed and proceeded to talk about messy cars and odd items we've found in our purse. Mom's purses are a garbage bag, didn't you know?
Melted fruit snacks. Used kleenex. Lego's. Candy wrappers. Chewed gum.
The medical students that were with her learned quite a bit about motherhood in a short period of time.
As the drugs began to work and I felt very loopy, I noticed my hubby standing by the monitor. It had never occurred to me that he had a very similar fear about my well-being in regards to the medication. There was a lot of trust he was placing in people he didn't know too. As I would start drifting to sleep, I fought each time to get up and look at the number on the monitor, making sure it wouldn't go below 90. I did that a few times before I reminded myself to trust. I had multiple people watching over me.
I felt grateful to have Andy there. To have our kids cared for. To have doctors and nurses on call, whom I didn't know, but got to know better. They were doing their job, and I felt that support through the uncertainty of it all.
The results came back that I don't have a tumor or a blood clot.
My blood work is beautiful and healthy.
As I got the results, a limiting belief came in that all of this was a waste of time. I gently gave that limiting belief the finger and told myself that nothing is a waste of time when I'm taking care of my well-being.
Nothing.
The cocktail they gave me has worn off, and my head hurts, but I love the news I received.
I still have doctors to see and things to check into so I can help myself feel better, but I trust that I'll be able to figure it out. There are helping hands everywhere. You just need to be willing to receive them. When your heart, mind, and body is sending you signs. Listen. I firmly believe that our body is working for us, we just don't often trust in ourselves and others enough to believe that we already have the answers and the information we're looking for.
Don't wait until it gets really bad. It will take you much longer to come back from that. Your choices not only affect you but those around you. It's a disservice to you to not answer the red flags that are going off in your body. Love and value yourself enough to check in with YOU.
There's ALWAYS time to take care of your well-being!
