Presence is a Gift

May 31st, 2021

I've been feeling so frustrated for a few weeks because people can't understand me. Often, they get tired of trying to communicate or don't have time, so they leave or wave goodbye. That's left me feeling so many ups and downs, mostly downs because I literally can't speak. Not being understood and heard has been a real struggle for me, but I've had the opportunity to know how to communicate differently. I've had moments of not wanting to go out and attempt sign language because then, at least, I'm not an inconvenience to people. This has been weird. With my voice, I felt confident, sure of myself; I knew who I was and what I wanted to say. Without my voice, I've felt like I've lost myself, I've crept inside a cage peeking to see when it was okay to come out, and other times I lean in and ask for help. I've been unsure of myself and not entirely positive about how to be me without a voice. That's put a lot of perspective on many things. The biggest one has been finding and loving Lauri without my voice and realizing that I'm more than just a voice. And, where I thought I truly loved myself and had a pretty healthy space there, I recognize that there's some work to be done.

Dammit.

We're all continually learning and grow, and it never ends, nor should it, but I didn't realize how much having a voice has been my identity and self-worth. I didn't love seeing that. I want to feel that I'm more than enough right where I am. It's all the same with or without a voice. In truth, I've got some work to do to believe and see that from a completely different side. This has been a lifestyle change for my family and me. We're learning how to communicate in a way that takes more time and patience, which leaves us all feeling frustrated.

We went to a birthday party for a friend. It was a surprise party. I whisper talked, and to me, that's something, but to others, it's still a whisper and one they can't hear. Our friend had mentioned that I seemed subdued for being Lauri, and he was right. I think that was the first time in a few weeks that I realized that it's not only me who feels and sees this change in me. My voice and talking come with energy and a full-body explosion of joy, and without it, it's not just my voice I've lost; other pieces of myself have left, too. I miss me, and I long for those parts to come back. I'm also grateful for the new experiences that I'm seeing and feeling that I wouldn't truly understand without this experience. Little by little, I'm learning to express myself to people by my facial expressions and hand gestures. This is a new way of communicating, but one I'm leaning into. I took the kids to the library yesterday, and I did expressions with the few words in sign language that I consistently remember. The lady could understand me specifically by paying attention to my facial expressions and the way I signed. That felt great to realize that people can understand me if I place energy into my hands and face in the way I do with my voice.

The other day, I had to call and log in for my credit card because it wasn't working. I had my speaker on, and my mouth placed right at the speaker so that my whisper could carry further. The friendly guy that answered my customer service call had a rich Indian accent. There were moments I couldn't understand what he was saying and felt frustrated. As I whispered to ask what he said, he mentioned he couldn't hear me. I had the opportunity to process that he also probably felt some agitation not hearing me but wanted to help. I took a moment to process my perspective and also how this man might be feeling too. 

A customer service call that might've previously taken me five minutes took us twenty-five minutes as we continued to work together to try and communicate with one another. We wished each other a great day after the call, and I thanked him for his patience, and he thanked me for mine.

Patience is a gift that we give ourselves and others that opens doors to connection, expansion, and understanding. It provides space for people to feel seen, heard, and understood right where they are. Speaking and language is not the barrier. Lack of patience and presence is. I'm grateful that we both paused and regrouped to listen to each other. What I've seen and experienced on both sides is we often want to do things fast. The more we do, the more productive we feel. But, by rushing all the time, we miss the moments to connect with people on where they are. It's easier and faster to have conversations with people that speak our language because we don't have to take the extra time to stop and be present. To slow down and listen to the words, pause everything else to see body expressions and the expressive cues that people share even without words. In a world where we have phones and so much we're trying to do, we've lost touch with the importance of not only listening but seeing.

Presence is a gift.

Sitting with someone and giving them your undivided attention builds relationships and connections.