Small Victories

 

June 19th, 2021

 Yesterday, I had a voice. To some, that may sound like nothing, but to me, that was everything. It was a little more than my usual low whisper. The sound had more projection and also a higher chord than it has for the past few weeks. It was a moment for me like, “There you are. Welcome back.”

I got antsy and thought I would try to sing. That was absolutely off-limits until my next visit four weeks away. One try wouldn’t hurt. I stretched to sing, and the pain radiated like a thick string begging me to release its pull. Nothing came out like how I remembered my singing voice a few months ago. The strong, vibrato, jazzy soul beat of high alto energy didn’t come through. It was hoarse, and whisper squeaked as if I had never been a singer at all. It reminded me I still have healing and work to do and that this will be a process that can’t be rushed.

Today is a victory that there’s some volume, a bit more than yesterday. It’s a reminder that growth and healing don’t miraculously shift overnight. One step forward doesn’t mean I’ve won the entire marathon, and we’re done, with minimal time and effort. It means we’re moving, but I’m not near the end yet.

In life, we’re all moving one step at a time through a very real struggle in our lives. We see what our desired outcome is. We can taste it, feel it, and yet, it feels so very far away. In those moments, one step at a time feels like we’re never going to get there. Each step teaches us something that we can take on our journey if we decide to keep trying even when we don’t want to.

Some days that means crying. Some days that means pausing to catch our breath. Every day that means being kind to yourself and giving yourself love, patience, and grace to walk through that step in whatever way is needed to move to the next day. That will not look the same for any of us.

I listened to music today and closed my eyes. I listened to the singing and the words and every instrument, tempo, beat, and dramatic pause, and I felt gratitude for my ears that I could hear and feel what was coming through the speaker and into my heart. One day, I will sing again, and when I do, I will no longer worry about what people think of my voice. I won’t worry about messing up.  I will sing in praise that my voice has come back, and what a beautiful gift it is. For now, I’ll listen, feel, and enjoy the same songs I listen to often, but in a new way.